My life is way too ordinary. Although I'm a self confessed spoiled brat, I've never done any major boo boos in my life. Or at least none that I can think of. It would be too much to say that I've been a good girl all my life but I have lived my life in a very old fashion way. And why not? It feels good to be the teacher's pet because I was a diligent student back then. I love the attention given by friends and relatives for being such a role model that they look up to. I was adored not because I am a lovable partner but because I am obedient enough to digest whatever they feed me. I was brilliantly silly a few years back. It was easy to abused me because I give in. I was passionately stupid about the things and people that surround me. Until I got bored. Really plain bored with life. When? Just now, when I realized that I was missing a huge part of myself.

I give what I can in whatever I do, be it a job or a relationship. I never push through if I feel that I am half-hearted. It's either I give 100% or I don't give at all. The "All or None" principle is the basis of most of my actions. But now, I want to be selfish. I want to spoil myself some more. I want to feel numb, be stubborn, and be free. Free from the ill judgment of the society as well as my own judgment. I want to give myself a chance. A chance to embrace changes with open arms. A chance to explore and learn. And a chance to let loose and be wild. Being modern, open minded and liberated are almost synonymous which has a negative meaning in most cases. Being free spirited, strong, bold or whatever you may want to label it is something that I want to experience doing. If being wild means trying the extraordinary and not being afraid of challenges, then I want to be branded as one.

I do not know if it's the thrill that I am after or just the feel of it or maybe both. What I'm certain at this point is that I want to allow myself to grow more. At my age, not even the hardest slap in the face will give me life's greatest lessons but experiences. I demand actions and I want to be involve. Just like in any subject or even a job, it's not the lecture that gives you learning but the hands on training. You may know it theoretically but it's how you apply the learning in action that counts.

I don't even know where and how to explore the reality of life. And no one is suppose to teach me because right now I want to use my heart instead of my mind. Sorry mind but I've trusted you hundred of times before and it's about time to let heart lead me now. I want to be crazy! Yes crazier than how I am right now!

I may sound bitchy and nasty but don't point a finger on me. Not just yet. Most of you have lived your life the way you wanted it to be. Majority of you have been a pain in the ass but you enjoyed being labelled as one. Allow me to see the real world without deception just as I am allowing myself to dive in a world of uncertainties and cruelness. I know that people who live in lies are very much eager to pass their judgment on me. And to satisfy all the critics, I am giving my consent to trash talk as much as you can. You can do whatever you want. Have your say but I won't even look back to give a shit.

I am now taking control. I will do whatever pleases me and I will enjoy this trip. As a passenger it was nice to see how others lived their lives and how bitter-sweet endeavors have molded their personalities. Now I want to be the driver of my own self, totally in control but with bigger responsibilities. Wherever this journey takes me, I will cherish and move forward.

Don't hate me for being brutally frank, but instead love me for coming out in the open and not depriving myself of what our world has to offer. There must be something larger than life. And I won't regret, I will just learn.